作者丨Julie Exline

譯者丨都都貍

人們羨慕我大逗比，總是攢得一手好人卡，其實(shí)不知我們心有千千結(jié)啊——每一句迎合背后都是違心的話語，每一次援手都是事后想剁手的悔恨，每一次贊美都有對應(yīng)的ONS；可是……我就是控制不住自己惹。

作為一個(gè)樂善好施的逗比，亮瞎人家的狗眼可以讓你狂刷存在感。由于你特別在乎關(guān)系的和諧，你總是把別人的感受看得更重要。當(dāng)需要為集體作出犧牲時(shí)，第一個(gè)想到你，畢竟自我犧牲都成了你的天然屬性。

作為一個(gè)逗比，對你所感知到的需要和要求，你最典型的回答就是——“好的呀”。

“好的呀，放著我來！”

“好的呀，和你們一伙、幫助你、照顧你統(tǒng)統(tǒng)開心死了嚕……”

“是的呢！你說得忒有道理！”

久而久之，好好先生的生存策略或許挺奏效的。助人為樂，樂人樂己嘛。最重要的是，大家都喜歡你，他們當(dāng)你是最友善、最具助人精神、無私的團(tuán)隊(duì)合作者。

如果只是這樣，那還真心不錯(cuò)。

但是對于逗比來說，事情不會(huì)止于此。實(shí)際上有很多潛在的負(fù)能量潛伏在逗比心里。

當(dāng)你不能再討好人們的時(shí)候，你就會(huì)感到巨大的內(nèi)疚和焦慮，你害怕別人不再喜歡自己。你就像躲瘟疫一樣躲避沖突，因?yàn)槟悴幌刖砣肴魏温闊?。你覺得有義務(wù)讓身邊的每個(gè)人都感到快樂（至少?zèng)]有黑臉），為了這些，你察言觀色、絞盡腦汁。

而這恰恰就是癥結(jié)所在，下面舉幾個(gè)例子打打逗比們的臉：

● 人人快樂，責(zé)無旁貸？只要?jiǎng)e人開口，逗比們就接手，因?yàn)槎罕炔荒苋淌苋魏我粋€(gè)人不爽，有時(shí)答應(yīng)下來的事情已經(jīng)超出了自己可以處理的范圍，逗比們只有獨(dú)自死扛、吐槽、心力交瘁……事與愿違的是，逗比因?yàn)槌兄Z太多，導(dǎo)致每個(gè)承諾的完成質(zhì)量下降而讓人家失望。

● 槍打出頭鳥？有時(shí)人們不愿拿出真本事，因?yàn)樗麄兒ε伦约哼^分出色的表現(xiàn)會(huì)令小伙伴們自慚形穢，從而中傷他們的幼小的心靈，萬一激起羨慕嫉妒恨那是極不好的。這個(gè)時(shí)候，我們的研究就犀利地發(fā)現(xiàn)了因果的聯(lián)系——越怕人前閃閃發(fā)光，越是逗比本質(zhì)。

● 遇沖突，先投降？因?yàn)槟悴幌肴鞘巧?，?dāng)你遇到來自小伙伴們的壓力時(shí)，就無法堅(jiān)持自我原則。比如說，為了配合大家的飲食習(xí)慣，，你就會(huì)多吃或少吃來和他們保持一致。同樣的道理適用于抽煙、喝酒、吸毒。只有大家高興，自己道德淪喪也是分分鐘的事啊。Milgram在經(jīng)典的服從權(quán)威的研究里說過，當(dāng)一個(gè)人決心討好另一個(gè)人，只有他叫你去整人，你內(nèi)心的良知也拉不住你。

另外還有些例子，屬于是好好先生們自作孽不可活——

“好吧……盡管我都累癱了?！?/p>

“好吧……但我真心不想做”

“好吧……雖然我覺得最好不要”

“好吧……僅僅因?yàn)槲液ε戮芙^別人”

在心理學(xué)領(lǐng)域，社會(huì)性依賴這個(gè)概念正是來自于對抑郁的研究文獻(xiàn)——社會(huì)性依賴是增加患上抑郁癥的概率的幾個(gè)人際交往模式之一。

在心理的內(nèi)在運(yùn)作機(jī)制中，當(dāng)你為了答應(yīng)別人某事，付出的代價(jià)是違背價(jià)值觀、放棄合理需求、偏移重要的目標(biāo)，你甚至?xí)ケ拘漠?dāng)你習(xí)慣于迎合他人的要求。

那么，你要如何來抑制這種逗比傾向？

● 傾聽你的心聲吧。內(nèi)心的某個(gè)部分在抗拒迎合，如果你聽到心里發(fā)出警告，好像在說“這樣是不對的“、”這太過分了“、”你會(huì)后悔的“，那么你就先思而后行吧，至少在答應(yīng)別人前過過腦子。

● 給自己一點(diǎn)時(shí)間。讓一個(gè)逗比在壓力面前瞬間答應(yīng)別人的請求會(huì)讓他走上極端。如果你對別人的請求有所謹(jǐn)慎，那么至少在決定之前多給自己一些思考的時(shí)間。根據(jù)對方請求的程度來決定考慮時(shí)長，比如“我能在回家前幫他一把嗎？“那么你可能考慮幾分鐘；”和我結(jié)婚吧？“那就得需要更長時(shí)間了。

● 搞清楚自己的感受。不要混淆你出于友善想要幫助別人的意愿（通常帶來平靜而積極的能量）以及出于恐懼、內(nèi)疚和壓力所迫做出的決定。

● 直面恐懼?？朔箲]的要點(diǎn)一般都包括直面恐懼——心理治療師們把這叫做“暴露療法“。然而我們知道，哪怕有些事情，明明心里想著拒絕，不認(rèn)同，但鼓起勇氣說出自己的意見卻是難事。記住，拒絕也沒有必要咄咄逼人：你只需要肯定地拒絕別人，保留自己的體面和對他們的尊重。

● 忍受不適。你說的沒錯(cuò)……的確有人討厭被拒絕，尤其是當(dāng)他們習(xí)慣了你一以貫之的奉獻(xiàn)和犧牲。堅(jiān)持下去，這或許是可怕，但因?yàn)槟愕木芙^而不高興的某人并不會(huì)引起世界的坍塌。

關(guān)心他人，幫助他人是很好的品質(zhì)，不要放棄它。逗比們面臨的挑戰(zhàn)是需要多些勇氣和個(gè)人力量，變得更有骨氣些。因?yàn)槿绻隳軌蛘f不就不，你將會(huì)得到更多時(shí)間、經(jīng)歷專注于那些你真正想做的、給他人生活帶去積極改變的影響。

長遠(yuǎn)來看，當(dāng)逗比們克服了上述重重心理障礙，他就會(huì)成為一個(gè)名副其實(shí)的逗比，一個(gè)表里如一地說著“好的呀“的人。

原文

People Pleasing: Short-Term Benefits and Long-Term Costs

So you’re a people pleaser!

You’re one of those nice people—so helpful and kind. It makes you really happy to brighten someone’s day. You strive for peace and harmony in your relationships, and you routinely put others before yourself. Others can count on you to “take one for the team.” After all, self-sacrifice is part of your nature.

As a people pleaser, your typical response to any perceived need or request is YES.

--YES. I will do that.

--YES. I’d be happy to join you...to help you...to take care of you...

--YES. You are right!

Much of the time, this strategy may work reasonably well. You feel good about helping others. And, for the most part, other people like you. They see you as one of those nice, helpful, giving people--a real team player.

So far, so good.But for the people pleaser, it doesn’t stop here. There’s a lot of negative emotion lurking in the background.

Not only do you want to please people, but you feel excessive guilt and anxiety when you can’t. You fear the disapproval of others. You avoid conflict like the plague. You don’t want to make any trouble. And having someone angry at you can be downright terrifying.

In short, your approach to relationships crosses a line—from simply being kind and helpful to being crippled by fears of interpersonal conflict. You take on responsibility for other people’s feelings and reactions, trying desperately to keep everyone happy (or at least appeased).

And this is where big problems can start. Here are just a few examples:

Taking on too much responsibility. Because it doesn’t seem OK to let anyone down, you say yes to more tasks and commitments than you can handle. This can lead to overwork, resentment, and burnout. Paradoxically, you may eventually end up letting other people down because you are too overextended to keep all of those commitments.

Not letting your light shine. Sometimes people perform at less than their best because they are nervous about the social consequences of outshining others. They worry that if they do better than someone else, the person(s) they have outperformed will feel hurt, envious, and maybe even hostile toward them. Our research suggests that people pleasing (psychological term: sociotropy) is a very strong, reliable predictor of this discomfort about outperformance.

Caving in to social pressure. Because you don’t want to make waves, you may find it tough to follow your principles when facing peer pressure. For example, you might eat more than you want—or less than you want—in an attempt to match what others around you are eating. The same pattern could play out with regard to smoking, drinking alcohol, or drug use. People pleasing could even cross the line into serious moral lapses, as shown in Milgram’s classic studies of obedience to authority: If you are determined to please a person who is pressuring you to harm someone else, the voice of your own conscience could be drowned out.

In some cases, then, your YES might come with a bitter aftertaste.

--Yes...although I am weary and worn out.

--Yes...but I will resent it.

--Yes...although it’s against my better judgment.

--Yes...but only because I’m too afraid to say no.

In psychology, the concept of sociotropy (i.e., people pleasing) comes straight out of the research literature on depression. It turns out that sociotropy is one of several interpersonal styles that can increase the risk of depressive symptoms.

Internally, problems tend to arise when saying yes to others means saying no to some deeper part of yourself, such as your core values, legitimate needs, or important goals. You may have even lost touch with these deeper parts of yourself because you’re so used to accommodating to other people's preferences and responding to their needs.

So what can you do about these people-pleasing tendencies?

Listen to that inner voice. Is some part of you raising a red flag about saying yes in this situation? If you are hearing an internal warning, something saying, “This is wrong,” or, “This is just too much,” or, “You’ll regret this later,” do yourself a favor and at least listen before immediately saying yes.

Buy yourself some time. The pressure to respond to that person in front of you can push any people pleaser over the edge. If you are feeling wary about saying yes, try to give yourself some time to reflect before deciding. Depending on the size of the request, you might just need a few minutes (“Do I have time to help this person before I go home?”), or you might need a long time (“Will you marry me?”)

Take a close look at your thoughts. Try to distinguish between your desire to be kind (which will usually feel peaceful and positive) and the thoughts that lead to fear, guilt, or a sense of pressure.

Face your fears. Treatments for anxiety almost always involve facing your fears—what psychologists call exposure therapy. But even when you know, deep down, that it would be wise to say, "No," or “Not now,” or “I disagree,” it can be tough to muster up the courage to say it. Remember, there’s usually no need to get aggressive: You can give your response in an assertive way that shows respect for yourself and the other person(s) involved.

Tolerate the discomfort. You’re right...some other people may not like it when you tell them no, especially if they benefit from your usual pattern of constant giving and self-sacrificing. Hang in there. Yes, it may be scary. But the world will not come to an end because someone is unhappy with your choices.

It's great that you have a strong desire to connect with others and to respond to people’s needs. No one’s asking you to give that up. The challenge may be to come to a place of greater courage and personal strength... to develop a little more “backbone”. Because if you are able to say no when it really counts, the more time, energy, and focus you'll have to really make a positive difference in other people’s lives.

In the long run, then, challenging some of those people-pleasing tendencies could actually be one of your best ways to say yes to others...without having to say no to yourself.