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策劃、撰文 / 淼淼、亓井、純純 編輯 / KY主創(chuàng)們
“我逃了，其實(shí)是想回頭看看你還在不在。看到你真的走了之后，我會(huì)很難過(guò)，可是也沒(méi)有勇氣向你訴說(shuō)。” 在親密關(guān)系中，恐懼親密也是回避型的人缺乏安全感的典型表現(xiàn)之一。它包含了自我暴露恐懼和依賴恐懼?；蛟S你也有相似的感受，也想弄清楚自己是否有恐懼親密？那你可以試試KY測(cè)評(píng)出品的【恐懼親密測(cè)試】。我們會(huì)測(cè)出你的恐懼親密類(lèi)型，也會(huì)幫你找到恐懼背后的原因，告訴你該如何應(yīng)對(duì)恐懼親密。 ??長(zhǎng)按下圖，查看你的恐懼親密類(lèi)型??
 ）。而對(duì)于回避型的人來(lái)說(shuō)有療愈性質(zhì)的關(guān)系，需要有人和ta們?nèi)?chuàng)造右腦對(duì)右腦的溝通（Schore, 2013），看到逃避和無(wú)反應(yīng)背后的深層情緒，并試著與那個(gè)隨時(shí)想要溜走的內(nèi)在孩童對(duì)話。
比如，你可以穩(wěn)定、及時(shí)地對(duì)ta們做出情感上的回應(yīng)，答應(yīng)ta們的小事盡量去做到，對(duì)ta們的需求保持敏銳。 你還可以和ta一起準(zhǔn)備一個(gè)「關(guān)系安全手冊(cè)」，試著把戀愛(ài)里那些充滿了喜歡和愛(ài)的互動(dòng)瞬間記錄下。當(dāng)沖突發(fā)生時(shí)，回避型的人回看這本內(nèi)容，能有助于ta喚醒對(duì)關(guān)系的積極感知，提醒ta，你們依然相愛(ài)著。 最為重要的是，當(dāng)ta們做出回避等等有可能毀滅關(guān)系的行為時(shí)，也始終如一地對(duì)待ta們，而不是以冷制冷。
那么，回避型的我們 能做些什么自救呢？
試著回憶過(guò)去，你會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)也許不是所有人都不值得信任?？傆心敲磶讉€(gè)人，曾在你需要的時(shí)候站出來(lái)給予過(guò)你幫助，可能是得知你生病后趕過(guò)來(lái)照顧你的朋友、家人，一個(gè)溫暖過(guò)你的陌生人…… 記錄下這些閃著光的成功信任時(shí)刻，重新學(xué)著信賴他人。
相信自己的修復(fù)力，相信哪怕真的被他人辜負(fù)，自己也有能力康復(fù)。自己已經(jīng)不再是那個(gè)無(wú)力自保的嬰兒——已經(jīng)長(zhǎng)大的自己，哪怕遇到了不足夠關(guān)愛(ài)自己的人，也能夠幸存下來(lái)。
回避型往往有著嚴(yán)重的羞恥感。一個(gè)不被自己的父母所愛(ài)的孩子，會(huì)天然覺(jué)得是自己有問(wèn)題，自己的存在沒(méi)有價(jià)值、不會(huì)被愛(ài)。因此羞恥感是回避型的一種人生底色。但你要知道，你值得被愛(ài)。錯(cuò)的是沒(méi)有好好愛(ài)你的父母，而不是你。 渴望被愛(ài)，渴望穩(wěn)定可靠的親密關(guān)系不但是正常的，也是作為人的一種美德，我們?cè)谂c他人的連接中成為更完滿的自己。 
References： Ainsworth, M. D. (1964). Patterns of attachment behavior shown by the infant in interaction with his mother. Merrill-Palmer Quarterly of Behavior and Development, 10(1), 51-58. Carvallo, M., & Gabriel, S. (2006). No Man Is an Island: The Need to Belong and Dismissing Avoidant Attachment Style. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 32(5), 697–709. Dekel, S., & Farber, B. A. (2012).Models of intimacy of securely and avoidantly attached young adults: Anarrative approach. The Journal of nervous and mentaldisease, 200(2), 156-162. Djossa, E. (2014). Understanding the Needs of the Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment Style. The Love Compass. Gillath, O., Mikulincer, M., Fitzsimons, G. M., Shaver, P. R., Schachner, D. A., & Bargh, J. A. (2006). Automatic activation of attachment-related goals. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 32(10), 1375-1388. Ornstein, R. E. (1997). The right mind: Making sense of the hemispheres. Harcourt. Shaver, P. R., & Mikulincer, M. (2007). Adult attachment strategies and the regulation of emotion. Handbook of emotion regulation, 446, 465. Schore, A. N. (2005). Attachment, affect regulation, and the developing right brain: Linking developmental neuroscience to pediatrics. Pediatrics in review, 26(6), 204-217. Wallin, D. J. (2007). Attachment in psychotherapy. Guilford press. Branand, B., Mashek, D., & Aron, A. (2019). Pair-bonding as inclusion of other in the self: A literature review.Frontiers in Psychology, 2399. Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model.Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226–244. Bippus , A. M. , & Rollin , E. ( 2003 ). Attachment style differences in relational maintenance and conflict behavior: Friends’ perceptions .Communication Reports, 16 , 113 – 123 . Chavis, J. M., & Kisley, M. A. (2012). Adult attachment and motivated attention to social images: Attachment-based differences in event-related brain potentials to emotional images.Journal of research in personality, 46(1), 55-62. Farrell, A. K., Simpson, J. A., Overall, N. C., & Shallcross, S. L. (2016). Buffering the responses of avoidantly attached romantic partners in strain test situations.Journal of Family Psychology, 30(5), 580. Gillath, O., Bunge, S. A., Shaver, P. R., Wendelken, C., & Mikulincer, M. (2005). Attachment-style differences in the ability to suppress negative thoughts: Exploring the neural correlates.Neuroimage, 28(4), 835-847. Goodboy, A. K., & Bolkan, S. (2011). Attachment and the use of negative relational maintenance behaviors in romantic relationships.Communication Research Reports, 28(4), 327-336. Koleva, S., Selterman, D., Iyer, R., Ditto, P., & Graham, J. (2014). The moral compass of insecurity: Anxious and avoidant attachment predict moral judgment.Social Psychological and Personality Science, 5(2), 185-194. Overall, N. C., & Sibley, C. G. (2008). Attachment and attraction toward romantic partners versus relevant alternatives within daily interactions.Personality and Individual Differences, 44(5), 1126-1137. Richman, S. B., DeWall, C. N., & Wolff, M. N. (2015). Avoiding affection, avoiding altruism: Why is avoidant attachment related to less helping?.Personality and Individual Differences, 76, 193-197. Robinson, J. S., Joel, S., & Plaks, J. E. (2015). Empathy for the group versus indifference toward the victim: Effects of anxious and avoidant attachment on moral judgment.Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 56, 139-152. Stanton, S. C., & Campbell, L. (2014). Psychological and physiological predictors of health in romantic relationships: An attachment perspective.Journal of personality, 82(6), 528-538. Santascoy, N., Burke, S. E., & Dovidio, J. F. (2018). Avoidant attachment style predicts less positive evaluations of warm (but not cold) social groups.Group Processes & Intergroup Relations, 21(1), 19-36. Sheng, R., Hu, J., Liu, X., & Xu, W. (2022). Longitudinal relationships between insecure attachment and romantic relationship quality and stability in emerging adults: the mediating role of perceived conflict in daily life.Current Psychology, 1-11. Shi, L. (2003). The association between adult attachment styles and conflict resolution in romantic relationships.American Journal of Family Therapy, 31(3), 143-157. |
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來(lái)自： 阿布的書(shū)柜 > 《婚戀》
