My Boyfriend Says I Shouldn’t Be Friends With Men

Hi Meredith,

My problem boils down to one major issue: guy friends. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years and living together for about one year. We are both in our mid-20s, have our dream jobs, and share rent on our first apartment near Fenway. We moved to Boston together and have tried to forge our own paths in a new city that is both foreign and exciting to us. He is an amazing person and I love him. I work the typical 9 to 5 job, and my boyfriend works at a hospital three nights a week. Because our schedules are often different and I didn't know anyone when I first moved here, I tried to keep busy when he was working. I've joined improv classes, social clubs, and even a library. I've branched out and have become much more social than I ever was.

The problem? Most of the friends I am making are guys. I went through some pretty rough bullying in high school by a group of girls (leading to depression, isolation, self-hatred, the whole nine yards), so I still have nerves whenever I am put in a situation where I am surrounded by women. I have been working on making a few female friends in the city, but it is a slow (but steady) process. In the meantime, I've met a few pretty awesome guys. They are all a tad older than me and we have that "kid sister" friendship going on. They all know about my boyfriend and how much I adore him. I've always made it a point to set clear, distinct boundaries with them. There is no flirting going on, no late night "spilling feelings" to one another, no inappropriate touching, secrets, or anything like that. Whenever I hang out with them I always invite my boyfriend along but he usually declines.

My boyfriend has only met them once, even though they have been in my life for months. I make it a point to keep in touch with him, let him know where I am, when I will be back, etc., whenever I go out with them (which is usually maybe once a week, if that). I've been completely transparent with my boyfriend and with my guy friends, so I was pretty upset when my boyfriend expressed his anger at me for having male friends. He became hostile, aggressive, and mopey. He made veiled, passive-aggressive threats like "I don't want my future wife to have guy friends," and "It's inappropriate for guys and girls to be friends." I've sat down with him to ask what I can do to make him more comfortable. I suggested he begin to hang out with them more to which he replied, "I don't want to be near them." He doesn't have any female friends, so I suggested he should try to make a few. He told me that the only thing I could do was to cut the guy friends out of my life (currently 5/6 of friends in Boston). He thinks that guys and girls can't be friends and that the only reason they are friends with me is so they can "get in my pants." He thinks that if we ever break up, they will immediately try to sleep with me (they won't).

A lot of his insecurity stems from when he was cheated on in past relationships. I understand that it has left some deep scars, but I have never given him reason to think I would cheat, and I feel like he is taking his insecurities out on me. Worse still, he makes me feel guilty about hanging out with my guy friends so I have been doing it less and less, winding up alone and binge watching Netflix most nights when the one girlfriend I do have is busy. I've tried making female friends, but I don't want to cut my guy friends out of my life either. What do I do? Can guys and girls really be just friends? Am I delusional? How can I get my boyfriend to be comfortable with me having guy friends? And why does the phrase "guy friends" sound so childish?

— A Guy's Type of Girl

First, don't call yourself a "guy's type of girl." You are capable of friendships with women. You say that you have one female friend and are working on making more, which means you're not limiting yourself. You just happen to have met a great group of guys. You don't have to attach that accomplishment to some sort of problem.

Second, men and women can be friends. It drives me crazy when I hear anyone suggest otherwise. It's a heteronormative, sexist, weird way to look at the world — as if straight men can't enjoy a relationship with a woman without planning all possible ways to have sex with her the second she's available. That's not how it goes. That's not what friends do.

If your boyfriend wants to limit your social life and set rules when it comes to your friendships, he might not be the right partner for you. It's possible that he's just acting out because he's lonely and jealous in a new city, but if he's serious about this "no friends with men" thing for life, you have to consider whether you will ever be able to compromise.

Talk to him about what you get out of these friendships. Let him know that if he's committed to this rule, you might not be able to stick around.

— Meredith

Readers? Is this about feeling insecure in a new city? Should he be setting rules for her social life? Do you agree with him about her friendships?