 CBS 即使是像上世紀70年代《鮑勃·紐哈特秀》中的Bob和Emily Hartley，也會覺得某些談話比較困難。 最 近在和讀者討論他們的婚姻和長期戀愛關系時，我不斷聽到有人提出同一個問題──“該如何告訴伴侶我對性生活不滿意？”有些人說他們在婚姻中很少有或完全沒有性生活，所以他們感到不快樂。另一些人則希望自己能鼓起勇氣告訴伴侶自己對性的憧憬或是他們在性愛中真正想做的事情。大多數(shù)人對伴侶沒有注意到問題的存在以及對自己沒有得到滿足而感到煩惱。 你或許會認為這應該沒那么難，因為關于性的討論在我們的文化中隨處可見，我們能在大眾期刊上看到性愛技巧，也能聽到電視脫口秀節(jié)目主持人拿最新的政界性丑聞大開玩笑。 盡 管如此，與真正和自己有性關系的人討論性愛問題的情況極為少見。華盛頓特區(qū)心理醫(yī)生及性治療師巴里?麥卡錫（Barry McCarthy）指出，“與自己的伴侶討論私密的性體驗完全是另外一回事，你必須坦誠地討論你所重視的東西以及你的弱點。”遺憾的是，沒有人教過我們該 如何去做。麥卡錫曾撰寫過一些關于無性婚姻以及如何避免無性婚姻的著作。 在長期戀愛關系中，性生活的次數(shù)多少才算“正?！保恐ゼ痈绱髮W （University of Chicago）在1994年展開的“性行為的社會因素：美國人的性行為”（The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States）研究的數(shù)據(jù)顯示，近80%的已婚夫婦每個月會有數(shù)次性生活，其中32%的人表示每周會有兩到三次性生活，47%的人每個月有數(shù)次性生活。這 項研究被認為是該領域最全面的一項研究。 其他研究顯示，已婚夫婦的性行為次數(shù)比戀人和同居情侶的次數(shù)要多。麥卡錫博士指出，性治療師所指的無性婚姻是夫妻之間一年的性生活次數(shù)少于10次的婚姻。 麥 卡錫博士認為，性非常重要，但不一定就是維系夫妻關系的紐帶的核心，它可以賦予夫妻關系以活力，為雙方帶來被需要和心滿意足的感覺，還能在夫妻關系遭遇考 驗和困境時起到緩和作用。他說，當夫妻雙方不愿意過性生活或者抵觸性生活時，他們的這種疏遠可能會產(chǎn)生極其負面的作用。通常說來，如果性關系能夠得到修復 的話，雙方的關系也會隨之改善。 專業(yè)人士稱，愛情最初的浪漫階段大概會持續(xù)18個月至三年時間。在這期間，我們的荷爾蒙失去控制，我們會瘋狂地迷戀我們的伴侶，覺得討論性問題也比較容易。 但 是，在一段穩(wěn)定的長期戀愛關系中討論肌膚之親則要難得多。注冊碩士社會工作者、紐約帕切斯（Purchase）以及曼哈頓的女性性行為醫(yī)療中心 （Medical Center for Female Sexuality）的臨床研究主任巴特?馬庫斯（Bat Sheva Marcus）指出，相比之下，“在親密關系的早期階段，我們不會覺得我們是突然向伴侶提出自己的新要求或者之前隱藏的要求?！?br> 性問題的突然出現(xiàn)可能源自心理和/或生理上的原因，它有可能是工作或撫養(yǎng)孩子的壓力、沒時間、身體健康問題、以往的性創(chuàng)傷或者是年齡變老等問題。許多夫妻陷入了要么性就是一切要么什么都不是的狀態(tài)。 紐 約州里弗代爾（Riverdale）的帕米拉?麥德森（Pamela Madsen）和卡伊?麥德森（Kai Madsen）結(jié)婚已經(jīng)30年時間。在帕米拉還是一名高三學生、卡伊還是美國商船學院（U.S. Merchant Marine Academy）學員時，他們就相愛了。如今，帕米拉已經(jīng)50歲，是一名作家和女性性行為等話題的博客作者。她說，“想象一下這個場景吧，‘一名軍官和紳 士’──一位身穿白色制服的男士拿著36朵紅玫瑰出現(xiàn)在我的畢業(yè)典禮上?！?br> 后來，他們在生育問題上遇到了麻煩。帕米拉接受了生育治療，在治療期間她開始發(fā)胖，最終她感到自己被毀掉而且喪失了吸引力。他們工作勤奮（帕米拉是一家生育問題組織的創(chuàng)始人，卡伊從事IT工作），而且最終生了兩個兒子，兩個人都認為他們的婚姻牢固而溫馨。 大約在10年前，帕米拉開始感到不開心和不滿足。她說他們夫妻二人極少有性生活，而且就算有的話，也是“實效型的”。現(xiàn)年54歲的卡伊說，“每次我們過性生活時都能確切知道接下來會發(fā)生什么?！?br> 每天帕米拉在八點半左右上床睡覺、五點鐘起床，她喜歡在晚上過性生活，而卡伊半夜才睡覺、早上七點起床，喜歡在早晨過性生活。每次帕米拉讓他早些上床睡覺時，他都會說自己還在工作。卡伊說，“我承認我們需要安排時間來過更多性生活，但是實際上情況并沒有多少改變?！?br> 帕 米拉的一些朋友有婚外情，而且還慫恿她也這么做。她說，“我也想在性生活上重新煥發(fā)活力?！钡牵龥Q定嘗試一下性治療，幾名性治療師幫助她探討了她的需 求。她讀了一些色情書籍，她發(fā)現(xiàn)性幻想和主奴角色扮演能夠激起她的性欲。自那之后她寫了一本名為《拋卻廉恥》（Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner）的書并在去年將其出版，這本書講述了她在婚姻中對于性的探索。 但是，帕米拉還是花了六個月時間才鼓起勇氣向丈夫談起了自己的體會。一天夜里，她在廚房煮著一罐辣椒燒肉時突然把它說了出來。她向丈夫說道，“我愛你，但是有些事情我不得不告訴你?！?br> 卡 伊說他當時感到震驚和受傷。他回憶道，“我的第一個反應就是‘這是為什么？我還有什么沒給她的？’”帕米拉向丈夫說道她感到不滿并不是要責怪他，并邀請丈 夫與她一同參與治療。他們討論了帕米拉的性幻想以及卡伊對它們的感想，后來他們了解到能激起帕米拉性欲的事物卻對卡伊不起作用，但是這并沒有關系。他們感 到確定的是，坦率地討論性問題能使他們的婚姻更為牢固，在性關系中和性關系外均是如此。 有些夫妻的關系非常疏遠，他們不僅沒有性生活，而 且還分床睡覺，甚至碰都不碰對方一下。專業(yè)人士稱這些夫妻可能需要專業(yè)輔導，但是并不是所有婚姻治療師都擁有處理性問題的經(jīng)驗。美國性教育家、輔導者及治 療師協(xié)會（American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors and Therapists）以及性治療與研究會（The Society for Sex Therapy and Research）這兩個機構或許能提供幫助。 專業(yè)人士稱，為了增進他們的性生活，首先這些夫妻需要從同床睡覺開始，沒有孩子、也沒有寵物的打擾。麥卡錫博士說，自然而然地發(fā)生性行為最好，但事實是80%的已婚夫妻會計劃好性行為的時間，最好不是累得要命的時候。 其次，夫妻間還要試著多多表現(xiàn)對彼此身體的愛慕。麥卡錫博士說，“如果不是要過性生活的話，很多夫妻不會發(fā)生任何身體接觸，其實身體接觸本身有好處，還能帶來其他益處，它能夠成為溝通欲望的橋梁?！?br> 說到這兒，你還是覺得難以啟齒嗎？那么就去找一本指南吧，在相關書頁上貼上便利貼，寫上你的留言──“討論這個話題讓我覺得很尷尬，所以我想還是讓你自己看吧。”最后別忘了畫上一個笑臉。 打破僵局 難以與配偶討論性生活中遇到的問題？下面列出了一些可讓它變得更簡單的方法。 ──要表現(xiàn)溫柔。如果需要開場白的話，不妨試試“我愛你，我想和你有更親密的接觸?！?br> ──切莫在剛剛過完性生活后就討論性（除非你要說的都是好話）。性治療師認為討論性問題的最佳場所是在臥室之外──比如在廚房做晚飯的時候、散步時或者開車的時候。 ──要知道討論這個問題可能需要進行不止一次的談話，沒必要一次性就把話全說完。 ──不要推脫責任，也不要進行心理分析，只要對你感覺到的問題進行描述即可。比如你可以和伴侶說，“你對性生活好像遠遠沒有以前那么感興趣了。”詢問他/她是否也注意到了這個問題。 ──告訴伴侶他/她讓你非常欣賞的五至15個優(yōu)點。千萬不要說“如果你真的愛我，你就會……”之類的話。 Elizabeth Bernstein Lately, when I've been talking with readers about their marriages and long-term relationships, I hear the same question over and over. 'How do I say I'm not satisfied with our sex life?' Some say they are unhappy because they have little or no sex in their marriage. Others wish they could find the nerve to tell a partner about sexual fantasies or what they really want to do in bed. Most worry their spouse doesn't notice there is a problem and that they feel unfulfilled. You'd think it would be easier. Sex talk is omnipresent in our culture. We can read sex tips in popular magazines and listen to TV talk-show hosts joke about the latest political sex scandal. But it's rare to see examples of someone discussing sex with the person he or she actually has sex with. 'Talking about sex as a personal, intimate experience with your partner is a totally different kind of talk,' says Barry McCarthy, a Washington, D.C., psychologist and sex therapist who has written books about nonsexual marriages and how to prevent them. 'You have to be open to talking about what you value and your vulnerability,' he says. No one teaches us how to do that. How much sex is 'normal' in a long-term relationship? Almost 80% of married couples have sex a few times a month or more: 32% reported having sex two to three times per week; 47% reported having sex a few times per month, according to 'The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States,' a 1994 University of Chicago study considered the most comprehensive in the field. Married couples have more sex than either dating couples or co-habitating couples, other research has shown. When sex therapists talk about a nonsexual marriage, they mean a couple having sex fewer than 10 times a year, Dr. McCarthy says. Sex is important but not necessarily at the core of what binds couples together. It energizes the relationship, making each person feel desired and desirable, and serves as a buffer against trials and difficulties, Dr. McCarthy says. When a couple avoids or is conflicted about sex, the disconnection can play an inordinately negative role, he says. Often, if you can repair the sexual bond, the relationship improves as well. Love's initial romantic phase lasts anywhere from 18 months to three years, experts say. During this time, our hormones are out of control. We are intoxicated with our partner and find it easier to talk about sex. But in a long-term committed relationship, talking about intimacy is more difficult. 'Earlier in a relationship, by contrast, 'we don't feel like we're springing new or buried parts of ourselves on them,' says Bat Sheva Marcus, licensed master social worker and clinical director of the Medical Center for Female Sexuality in Purchase, N.Y., and Manhattan. Sexual problems can crop up for emotional and/or physiological reasons, whether it is stress from work and child-rearing, lack of time, medical issues, past sexual trauma or aging. Many couples get stuck in a rut where sex is all or nothing. Pamela and Kai Madsen, of Riverdale, N.Y., have been married 30 years. They fell in love when she was a high school senior and he was a midshipman at the U.S. Merchant Marine Academy. 'Think 'Officer and a Gentleman' -- a man in a white dress uniform showing up at my graduation with three dozen red roses,' says Ms. Madsen, 50 and an author and blogger about topics including female sexuality. They had trouble having children. Ms. Madsen underwent fertility treatments during which she gained weight and ended up feeling damaged and unsexy. They worked hard -- Ms. Madsen as the founder of an advocacy organization for fertility issues, Mr. Madsen in information technology -- and eventually raised two sons. They considered their marriage strong and warm. About 10 years ago, Ms. Madsen started to feel unhappy and unfulfilled. The couple rarely had sex -- and when they did, it was 'efficient,' Ms. Madsen says. Her husband, 54, says, 'We knew exactly what was going to happen every time we had sex.' Ms. Madsen went to bed around 8:30, woke up at 5 and liked to have sex at night. Mr. Madsen went to bed at midnight, woke up at 7 and liked it in the morning. When his wife asked him to come to bed earlier, he explained that he was still working. 'I acknowledged that we needed to schedule time to have sex more often, but realistically, not much changed,' he says. Some of Ms. Madsen's friends were having extramarital affairs and encouraged her to do the same. 'I wanted to feel sexually alive again, too,' she says. Instead, she decided to try sex therapy, and several therapists helped her explore her desires. She read erotic books. She discovered that sexual fantasies and role-playing about bondage turned her on -- and she has since written a book, published last year, about exploring her sexuality within a monogamous marriage titled, 'Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner.' It took six months, though, for Ms. Madsen to get up the nerve to talk to her husband about her realization. She blurted it out one night in the kitchen over a pot of chili. 'I love you but there is something I need to tell you,' she said. Mr. Madsen says he was stunned and hurt. 'My first reaction was, 'Why? What am I not giving her?'' His wife said her dissatisfaction wasn't a reflection on him and invited him to accompany her to a therapy session. They talked about her fantasies and his feelings about them. They learned what turns her on doesn't do the same for him -- and that is OK. They feel sure the frank discussion of sex made their marriage stronger, in and out of bed. Some couples are so estranged that not only don't they have sex, but they also don't sleep in the same bed or even touch each other. Experts say such couples may need professional help. Not all marital therapists have experience with sexual issues, though. Two groups that can help are the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists or the Society for Sex Therapy and Research. To jump-start their sex life, couples need to start by sleeping in the same bed, experts say -- no kids, no pets. Spontaneity is great, but 80% of married couples schedule time to have sex, says Dr. McCarthy -- preferably when not dead tired. Try showing more physical affection. 'A lot of couples don't have any touch if they aren't going to have intercourse,' says Dr. McCarthy. 'But touch has value in and of itself and can be a bridge for desire.' Still too embarrassed to talk? Get a how-to book. Put sticky notes on pertinent pages. Add a message: 'This embarrasses me to talk about, so I thought I'd show you.' With a smiley face. Breaking the Ice Having trouble discussing problems in your sex life with your spouse? Here are some ways to make it easier. -- Be gentle. Need an opening line? 'I love you, and I'd like to feel more connected to you.' -- Never discuss sex right after having sex (unless you have only good things to say). Sex therapists say the best place to discuss sex is out of the bedroom -- in the kitchen while making dinner, on a walk, taking a drive. -- Realize that the discussion may take more than one conversation. You don't have to knock it out all in one sitting. -- Don't ascribe blame. Don't psychoanalyze. Just describe what you feel is the problem. 'You seem much less interested in sex than you used to be.' Ask if your partner has noticed this as well. -- Tell your partner five to 15 things you really like about him or her. Never say, 'If you loved me, you would . . .' (In nearly a decade at The Wall Street Journal, Bonds columnist Elizabeth Bernstein has covered education, philanthropy, psychology and religion - all areas in which personal relationships loom large. Now, Elizabeth is using her acquired insights and expertise to explore the manifold aspects of human interactions, whether at home, at work or among friends.) |
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